well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
