We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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