she woke up with a sticky ear
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
