people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
