You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
