I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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