Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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