ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
