I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
