Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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