I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
