I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
