I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
