Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
