i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
