Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
pray to the hookup gods
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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