I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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