i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
