i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
