Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
too bad you live with your parents still
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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