I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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