Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
