I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
