the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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