I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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