Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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