During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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