he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
