im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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