On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
