her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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