Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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