My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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