last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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