Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
