After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
