i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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