I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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