I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
