I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
