I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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