now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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