Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
