I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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