omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
