I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
