Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
