If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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