his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
