so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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