My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
