What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
