I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
