he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
