The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
