i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
